Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
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I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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