I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
