i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
