i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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