i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
