You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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