See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
