I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
