My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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