who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
operation harelip BJ is a go
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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