i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
