You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The Olympian is in my bed
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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