I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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