mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
