Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
