The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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