God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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