Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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