i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
