If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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