Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
