i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
