at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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