How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
