I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
