I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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