so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
