Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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