During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
