you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
