I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's blow job season.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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