i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
