I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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