toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize