he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
