were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
