I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
