Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
