I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
