he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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