that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
