your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
