Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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