I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
