the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
