who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
