wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
