If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
