There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
