We won't sleep together?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
