I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
