Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I need help removing her.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
