i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
