Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
