Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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