He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
