i just wanna soil my oats bro
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
