the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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