I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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