theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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