Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
